11. Get involved with his extracurricular activities. It’s not all business deals and power lunches with a Wall Street man. Even he likes to let his hair down occasionally in his high-rise offices. The Wall Street man works in a very competitive, stressful environment, so when you find out that he and some of his other fellow Wall Street men are stepping away from watching Greek debt news to paste up “We Are the 1%” signs on the windows adjacent to their cramped cubicles, offer to help them with the lettering, tape, and glitter.
12. Be open to his mood swings. Even the most successful Wall Street man will flub a credit default swap now and then. He is only human after all. It is important to remember that when he does his job well, many lives elsewhere could be ruined, but when he does something wrong, there is a fair chance he will get a stern finger-wag from his superior, and will in those rare moments feel vulnerable and unloved. The Wall Street man will often try to hide this pain, but you should remain by his locked bathroom door for however long it takes to coax him back to his usual level of self-confidence.
13. The Wall Street man may occasionally chase after you with a chainsaw. Every relationship requires give and take, so it’s important to remember that you may find yourself in the company of a Wall Street man who intends to commit grievous bodily harm against you. Don’t get upset by this. If you make a point of asking him before dinner about his rare Hungarian knife collection, he may instead only describe their price and provenance to you, and leave them in their ivory case this time.
14. Avoid discussion of sensitive subjects. Like many men, Wall Street men tend to have certain “hot-button” issues that really set them off. These may have to do with “political” issues, but more often they involve one or another element of “finance” and markets, which he will explain to you are not explicitly “political” matters at all. This foaming rage should be seen as an indicator that he is, in his own way, a passionate man. Even so, your success with a Wall Street man will depend in large part on your ability to heed the warning signs and steer your conversation and ideas clear of anything that smacks of a controversial perspective on markets, debt, finance, monetary policy, IPOs, bond ratings, etc.
15. Be infinitely malleable. While the modern Wall Street man will certainly respect your time and interests (he may even find those things “sexy”), it is important to remember that he will be most interested in you if you make clear to him that you can accommodate his timetables, his way of thinking, and his sense of the power dynamics in the relationship. If he has strong feelings about why you should not purchase those particular kidskin gloves for your Aunt Margaret, whom he has never met, abide by his sage advice. This is, after all, what he does for a living. Both of you will be happier when you allow him to dictate the terms of your relationship.
16. Comment on his body. You are probably attracted to Wall Street men because of their piercing intellect, and you are drawn to the Wall Street man’s ability to think and act rationally and with wisdom in all circumstances. But there’s so much more to him than that! The Wall Street man looks upon the eternal infallibility and permanence of the market and realizes that he must become perfect and eternal himself. This is why he tends to eat healthy foods, exercise frequently, and give a great deal of attention to his personal health and appearance. Comment on his abs, his single chin, or—better yet—those underappreciated lats and delts. You’ll be glad you did.
17. Remember the good times. Because the ego of the Wall Street man is so intimately connected to his profession and the material successes it affords him, you may find yourself at some point in a potentially delicate situation. Though he will seldom if ever speak of it, the Wall Street man is aware in some dark part of himself that the whole thing has collapsed before, and may yet again. Through an elaborate series of maneuvers he has endeavored to keep this truth at bay, but if some bizarre extraterrestrial force or government policy somehow destroys the markets and his life, you’ll have a much better chance of survival if you can remember the good times, when there were seven cars to choose from and a working refrigerator.
18. Tuck a little something away. The Wall Street man spends every day agonizing and strategizing over every tiny shift in the global market. Every modified share price estimate, every hiccup in commodities futures, every incremental movement of the Euro (while it exists) to the dollar is scrupulously studied. But when it comes to down time with his lady, he prides himself on doing precisely the opposite. He is delighted to “lose track” of how much you’ve spent on reupholstering or quick trips to Bimini, or at least to act as if he doesn’t care. In either case, you should take advantage of this to set aside a little something for a rainy day. After all, with all of the modern stresses of dating a Wall Street man, you’ve earned it!
19. Keep him on his toes. It’s important to spice things up now and again, but just make sure to do it tactfully and with great care. Invite your morose college friend to join you for drinks. Provide false directions to a new restaurant so that you can glimpse a new neighborhood and its slightly sinister inhabitants before a quick course-correction. Turn to another news channel, feigning a problem with the remote control. The Wall Street man may not see the immediate value in these acts of creative destruction, but trust me, ladies, he will profit from it in one way or another.
20. Coat yourself in dragon’s blood. Hang a shroud over every mirror in the palace. Research the latest wine-storage innovations and stare at the gathering clouds on the horizon. Fondle the unused cufflinks. Bring home something from the butcher that still appears animal. With this app you can track the compound interest on your savings in real time. Drown your suspicions with heavy doses of Pilates and rooftop gardening, and be thankful for everything you’ve achieved.
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